And at the end of the day when we lay down to bed and nothing has gone our way, we have to remember to have faith and trust in something bigger than ourselves. Some grand scheme that we are playing a part within. There are few things as powerful as faith. Faith will guide me from this journey to the next. And if I fail.. at least I will know that I have tried. And I will trust that this failure is merely a training ground for the next level. And I will pick myself up off of the ground once again and stumble forwards until I regain my composure.
It’s easy to forget that we are all in this together when your surrounded by this dog eat dog mentality. Everyone tells me to stop trusting others around here and I begin to tell this to myself. But I want to rage against this isolationist ideology. Underneath all of the layers we are all the same. I don’t want you to forget that, I don’t want to forget that. I want to serve as a constant reminder of this. I have nothing but love for you. And if one day I lose myself to the rush of it all, I want you to pull my head back into the clouds and remind me what we are fighting for here. Because I know it isn’t just this. I know that there is more to it all. I know there is a greater good. I know that there is a constant battle between good and evil. I feel the sadness and I want to be enraged by it. I want to be enraged so I can be fueled to fight.
The wind blows hard at my back again and whispers “persevere”. I want to stop this journey. I want to hide away until I rot into the earth. Though, I know this is an impossibility. I was meant for so much more. Still, days and weeks go by and I find myself back within this place, seeking comfort from solace. Torturous thoughts meander within my mind. It would be so much easier to hide within the distractions of the world. Sometimes I feel so much of the sorrow that I become lost within it. I stay in this place because there is some kind of comfort within all of it, and eventually it becomes overwhelming so I hide away and sleep through a day. Cigarette smoke enhances the feeling and there is something so true and alive about this dark place I am in. I know I can pull myself out if I need to, by moving my body, going for a run or a bike ride or playing some basketball. But for now, it is Sunday and I think I will ride my motorbike around, find someone to bum a cigarette off of, maybe a sweet snack to distract myself with and reflect upon the weeks and months ahead.
In these moments when I want to give up. I think to myself about future Fuyah, the me that lives in the moment 1 year from now, 5 years form now, 10 years from now. I owe it to future me to break this cycle of despair and grant myself the freedom i’ve dreamed of for so long. Whenever I break free of one pair of shackles, it seems they are just replaced with another pair of a different form. When will the freedom I so desire become a reality? I know that I want it more then anything i’ve ever wanted and I will keep fighting through the trenches even though some days its so damned hard to find the motivation. I think about that future me and I know that I owe it to him. I owe it to myself. I will struggle through the difficult times and if I fail, well… at least I will have known that I have tried my best. At lest I will know that I gave it my all and I can be ok with that. The alternative lifestyle isn’t horrible. A part of me desires the stability of living within a cool city in the states. To be back home, to find myself a nice girl to spend my time with and not have to worry and stress about all of the things that come with trying to make it on your own. For now, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other…
I bit the bullet, I made a commitment to record myself over the next 30 days as I attempt to achieve my goal of making $1,000. This goal was set so that I would hold myself accountable and act as a working case study of this digital nomad lifestyle and determine if it is something that anyone can achieve. I promised myself that I would be 100% true to my emotions and feelings and share whatever I felt each day on this journey.
Now I threw this journey up for all of the Facebook world to see. I decided that my time of hiding in the shadows is over. It’s time to begin building my online presence. I’ve been writing on this site for a while, hiding within obscurity, mostly writing in times of desolation, solitude and during feelings of loss. This has been an emotional outlet for me. My 7 viewers and I have built a nice and secretive relationship. They don’t tell me they are reading my posts and I act like I haven’t posted anything and just continue living my life.
These days are over. I am not afraid of judgement, I am not afraid of persecution, I am not afraid of being raw and real in front of the world. We all wear our masks and I want to pierce through these masks to touch upon something that is true and vulnerable. We are all humans and underneath all of the layers we have built up over the years, we share many qualities.
Join me on the journey.
Every once in a while I’ll restore my old deleted Facebook account just to look at your profile and reminisce. I miss your laugh, your smile, the way you could take my shit like no one else could and always had a witty retort for my nonsensical blabber. I remember that dream I had with you where you told me how we are too similar and vibrate at too close a frequency… you promised me we would see each other again.
Well, I want to see you again now, tonight. We could go out on the town together and drink rum until we felt silly enough to begin fucking with all of the crazy foreigners who are out enjoying their vacations. We could remember back on all of those crazy times we had together and feel the warmth of nostalgia in our hearts. And when the night got really late and it came time to gently reflect on where we’ve been and where we are going and why we are here and what all of this is for, we could put on those gentle tunes and feel all of the emotions that comes with booze induced reminiscence.
You always knew a good tune and that’s another thing I loved about you.
I remember one day, I was talking to my sister about marriage. I had never been in love and told her I couldn’t imagine being with one person for the rest of my life. And then I thought of you and said… except Caitlin, Caitlin is one I could stand to be around forever. I never told you that. At that stage in my life I was too scared of vulnerability to ever be that transparent and true. I had my mask of humor on and that helped me navigate through life. I think one of my biggest regrets will always be not expressing to you how much you meant to me.
I think my heart is bleeding now and I don’t know what to do with all of the emotions inside. All I want is a stiff drink and a cigarette, something to hurt myself with or to help and numb the pain.
Sometimes I remember that morning, I’ve had bad mornings before… I’ve woken up in jail cells, been shipped off to rehab, had the secret service at my house to arrest me, woken up from blackout nights with no idea what horrendous things I had gotten myself into… but this one takes the cake. My phone rang and I ignored it, it rang again and again and again and I picked up to the sound of Liz’s blaring voice “PHIL, PHIL, PHIL WHAT DID YOU SAY TO CAITLIN THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HER? PHIL?! SHE’S DEAD, SHE’S DEAD…” In situations like this you don’t know what to say and the shock hit me and I immediately withdrew into denial.. “PHIL SHE’S DEAD, SHE HUNG HERSELF IN HER ROOM, AARON FOUND HER, SHE KILLED HERSELF LAST NIGHT.”. I’m not sure what words I spoke but I know that as soon as I hung up the phone I began receiving phone call after phone call from friends and acquaintances. Call after call after call after call and I couldn’t escape and I was stuck in the torment of hell within my mind and all I could think to do was take the Adivan prescription that sat on my counter and throw 5 pills down my throat to help numb the pain… I stayed in my room sleeping and taking Adivan for what must have been 2 days. I didn’t want to see anybody, I didn’t want to talk to anybody, I didn’t want anybody to see me. The only person I wanted to talk to in the world was you and you were nowhere to be found. Not in my dreams, not in my mind, not in my notebook I kept scribbling in over and over again. That torture was the worst pain I have felt in my entire life and there was nothing to do with it.
I feel it again tonight and I wonder where you are. I read the posts that your sister writes to you and I hurt so much for her. You were the guiding light. I hope one day if we get to go through this experience of life again. The stars will align and we will incarnate together in a similar life and get to share all of the good times together… I hope this time I’m not too afraid to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me and how I think that you are one of my favorite people I have and will ever meet.
I owe everything to you. You taught me the most valuable lesson i’ve ever had in life.
I don’t know how long its been since you left us all back here, but I miss you as much as ever tonight.
I hope your still out there somewhere, and wherever you are, you have a flash of remembrance and your soul is filled with my love.
Today and this past week I have been focused on planning out my days. Creating a checklist of things that contribute to my overall happiness, well-being and productivity, writing them all down on a sheet of paper and attributing points to each item. At the end of each day, I go through and I tally up all of my points for the day. The plan is to continue working towards perfection ,and once perfection is achieved, make the rules a bit harder. Continuously push myself further and further towards achieving my goals.
Another trick I have just begin using, was recommended by Bob Proctor in his course “Thinking Into Results”. He says to write down your limiting thoughts. Write down the thoughts that are holding you back, truthfully, in detail, as you feel them. Then on another piece of paper, write down the exact opposite of these thoughts, the polar opposite.
Now, go and burn the paper with the negative thoughts, take a lighter and actually burn it. Then, designate 30 minutes of your time each day to writing down the new mindset over and over and over again. Spend this time writing this new mindset and also doing some of his other techniques for reprogramming your mind. The idea is to overcome all of these limiting beliefs, these things that we have been told over and over against since we were children. Reprogram that shit into some positive thinking.
One quote in particular struck me today, “You cannot expect to get to second base without taking your foot off of first.”.
This quote really resonated with me because I realized I was doing just that. I have an idea in mind for a business, but I keep straddling onto the safety and security of doing nothing because as long as I do nothing I can’t possibly fail. This will not be true for much longer though, I am running out of money and I must take action soon. The clock is ticking and I am in the final quarter. It’s time to sink or swim and I choose swim. The freedom that lies on the other side of this journey is something that I thirst for more then I have ever thirsted for anything in my entire life. I will do anything to achieve it.
It’s 3 in the morning and the night swirls by as I ride my bike down El Camitan. Prostitutes line the streets, sitting patiently on their motorcycles. Drunk Thai’s accelerate by and drunken westerners stumble down the sidewalks. I ride to clear my head. To reflect on the night, to reflect on my decisions, to reflect on my direction. Bob Proctor’s voice rings in my head. He advised me through a recorded video and told me to write down my life mission and goals on the back of a business card and keep it in my pocket at all times. A constant reminder of what I am working for and why getting there is so important. Having been away from home for so long, I never want to have to go back and work for someone else again. I’ve tasted the freedom that is possible and I am thirsty for it. The ideal life, if there is such a thing, is dancing around just beyond the reach of my fingertips. I put another failure into my pocket and keep riding forwards into the deep darkness of the night.
With all the dead websites lingering out there, you might think that it is a hopeless land, a battlefield. Pixelated blood forms rivers beneath the soles of your feet. You look around and see nothing but desolation. You remember a time before where you saw all of these people on their computers, it must have been thousands of them, they must be doing something worth doing, they were glued to their seats and there eyes fixed upon their screens.
You browse through the endless depths of the internet and can easily see success on the surface, but the crevices are filled with corpses. You spend endless hours and days building up the machine that is supposed to give you security, but the road you walk down is heavily treaded, and you find yourself unsure if you made a wrong turn somewhere on this long and confusing road. You think back and have a vague recollection of a time when there were cries of freedom and songs and laughter. Now you just sit in front of a screen trying to build that freedom for the future. A voice begs the question of whether you are wasting away your golden years. Simon & Garfunkle’s “America” begins to swoon in your headphones and you feel the ache lying deep within your heart lift you out of your chair and up into the stars.
This is about growing up, about feeling, about changing about being alive and being shot down, being spit on and spitting on yourself and feeling lower then the dirt you walk on. This is about love and loss and learning to rise again from your ashes. This is about forgiveness and tuning into that deep human truth that resides within us all.
This is about growth and struggle.
This is about you.
This is about me.
The demons rise and cast their shadows upon thee. Children of the night, rise up and scream, burn burn burn, into the night, burn like you’ve never burned before. Release everything and burn for all that is wrong in the world. Burn for all that is wrong and then you can help add to all that is right. Don’t shrink down. Don’t run away. Do not fear the darkness, because it is in the darkness where you will be born again.
Today, my heart is broken for humanity. For that girl with lustful eyes and a baby at home, the one who goes out to the party area where all the foreigners go every week. Just to sit and look their way as they get wasted off of their asses and jump around like buffoons… because she likes “watching them”. For that man who’s been screwed over time and time again and doesn’t see the reason or have the energy left to keep fighting. For the relationships that are destined to die, for the families that cannot connect with one another, for all of those who have lost their meaning and drive in life. For the abandoned and abused, the mistreated and mislead, the drug-ridden bum rotting away in the park night after night. For the first girl who ever loved him, for all of the broken hearts out there that haven’t had a chance to heal. For the lost and confused, the bewildered and misconfigured, the deranged and estranged. My heart is broken for all of humanity today, and all I can do is attempt to poor my guts out onto this page before I shrink away into the demented terror of the night.
“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
– Denis Waitley
Well, I can’t believe it, but I am almost 3 months into this journey towards attempting to be a digital nomad. I’m not sure how to measure my progress and whether I should be happy or devastated.
Today I have had to go back to the chopping blocks. Back to ground zero to attempt to figure out a new solution. It’s disheartening, I have been psychologically kicked in the face by my boss and all of these empty promises and hopes for the future have gone up in flames. I am left on my ass, attempting to rekindle the fire that formerly burned within me. The fire that lead me to work all day, every day until this work situation manifested.
It took a day of self-pity and a day of researching all of the other options available out there and I am starting to feel close to being at 100%.
I have learned a lot through this work experience and I have been presented with some very important life lessons. I know that I tried my best, and this knowledge will allow for me to feel lighter as I continue onwards to the next stage in this journey.
I spoke too soon, I became cocky too early, I put too much trust in a arrangement that was and will be fully outside of my control. I mock myself now “oh yeah oh yeah, it’s been so easy to get involved in this digital nomad life, you just work work blah blah blah..”. Now, here I am, back at ground zero. I still have some money, maybe a bit less then I did a month ago. But I need to try different ways to learn how to make this lifestyle work. Today is one of those days when the world comes crashing down on you and you feel like complete and utter shit and you can either lay there in your bed all day wallowing in self-pity, or get out there in the world and keep fighting.
Sure, maybe I layed in my bed for a while this morning after my boss told me that my work was “the worst data entry job [he’s] ever seen”… and yeah, when his wife snapped at me over skype for attempting to contact her (again) about a project that i’ve put a lot of mental energy into, I felt this deep hole in my belly of unhappy truth bubbling up… So, yeah… I laid in my bed for a while, I didn’t want to get up, I invited a girl over and she never showed up and I just slept for a while…sure… but once I got up and went out into the world, I realized that everything right now, is still okay. I know that I will figure this whole thing out. Or, worst case scenario… I’ll go back to the states and make it work somehow there.
Today is a day to breathe and feel safe knowing that everything will be okay.
When these anxieties come and we are overwhelmed with uncertainty and unsure about what tomorrow, the day after that, the next week or the next month will bring, we can still maintain control over how we handle this mental distress. Even though everything may seem chaotic and it seems like we don’t have control over many aspects of our lives, we still have control over several and can use this control to better position ourselves for the future.
Here’s an article that has really helped me through tough times and that I find myself continuing to come back to.
sometimes it’s nice to have someone by your side, just to lay there with, to be alive and share a moment within the same frame. It helps when that person has soft skin, longing eyes and a cute smile.
It’s a bit scary being left alone in Chiang Mai, before I was always able to hassle my boss for extra work, now I just have to put my entire faith and trust into this boss man who I have known for less then 2 months. Don’t get me wrong, Julio is a really cool guy and I think he’s a very moral guy as well. Theres just a lot of anxiety thats created when you hand over your own survival to another person. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my own destiny.
My free time will be spent solving this problem.
The boss moved back to Australia. The location independent working has begun. It’s a mystery how the work will hold up. I just finished my first web development project and basically have been thrown neck deep into CSS jargon and frustrating code tinkering that never seems to do exactly what you want it to do.
That’s the name of the game though. The closer I am to overwhelm, the faster I will learn. Now it is time for sleep. I will get back to the daily blogging beginning tomorrow.
I met this British guy who lives here in Chiang Mai. After knowing him for a few days and hearing him say some pretty grotesque and immoral things. He confided to me that he is a sex addict and he’s been “buying two whores a day” and spending all of his money on these Thai whores. “Every woman is a whore, some just don’t take money”. He now finds it an obligation to inform me everytime he buys a whore, sending me a picture here and there and telling me how much he’s paying and gets really excited when he finds a good bargain. I’ve tried to guide him through this and help him out by listening to what he has to say and making a suggestion here and there. I told him to sit down for 30 minutes and write about every sexual encounter he has had since the beginning. I thought this might reduce him to tears when he reflects upon a time when he was raped or that time when his heart was destroyed by that girl who he loved. He message me back 10 minutes later with a picture of a whore he ordered on line for 800 baht, $24 usd. One day we were eating at a buffett in the mall and he told me that he got caught in England for rape and now he is living life on the run.
One of the first nights we went out together was pretty late and we just rode around on our bikes, grabbed some food, and went to the bar that all of the Thai students go to. A lot of the Thai people don’t like foreigners because the Foreng are kind of taking over and often times really rude. We arrive there as the bar is closing and all of these stupidly drunk Thai kids stumble out of the bar. People are falling over and puking and laughing and singing, it was quite a scene. I go in and try to make some new friends, everyone lines up on the sidewalk near the main road with cases of beer and bottles of rum and continue the party outside of the bar before they drunkenly drive their scooters home. My friend wonders off and begins asking these girls “how much, how much, sucky sucky?”. It was really repulsive.
It’s easy to hate somebody like this, but deep down there is an inner sadness and inner longing for something else. I see it but just don’t know how to access it. Human psychology can be extremely delicate. Pain perpetuates pain which perpetuates more pain.
Chiang Mai is the most liveable place I have ever experienced so far. It’s a a really developed city with Southeast Asian prices. The WIFI is fast, the beers are cheap, the women are beautiful and there are plenty of activities to keep yourself busy with. I began doing Muy Thai classes. I pay $8 usd for an hour and a half where I have one on one training with a crazy 50 year old Thai boxer who doesn’t speak any English but brilliantly teaches with grunts and noises. You can’t beat this life. At this point I’m making $17/hr and working around 20 hours per week for my boss. I am training myself in digital marketing and web development and have managed to find this position after about 2 weeks of teaching myself SEO and a bit of programming. Anyone could have this life if they wanted it. Maybe they just don’t know…
She dreamed of big cities, fancy clothes and fine dining. I just wanted to drive my motorbike as fast as I could into the star-filled night. To feel the wind against my face and taste life as much as I could manage. We differed deeply in this general respect of desires. She came from a world that lacked these material niceties. I came from one that was drowning in them…
I impatiently awaited that moment of reconciliation. For that time of union between the past, present and the future. Always lingering in the shadows of my mind. Deeply aching and desirous. The moment where all that was, and all that is, and all that hasn’t yet been combines into the truth of “isness”, wholeness.
I suddenly snapped back to my reality and I knew that day that my motivations were wrong. That my intentions were skewed, corrupted by the past events that molded my deepest psychological desires. I looked deep within your eyes and saw how you longed for escape and felt all of your projections sweetly pushed into my pale blue eyes and I knew that I could never provide you with what you lusted for.
Today is a tough day. I have been given work I am not yet capable of completing by my boss who has not given me proper instructions. I become frustrated and agitated and worried about where things are heading because my boss is heading back to Australia for a month, one week from now and I am not ready nor qualified to take on the bulk of his workload at this point in time. I grow angry and anxious and do not know exactly what to do to position myself for the future. I immediately realize that my backup plan is not sufficient and I have not put enough thought into what I will do if my current situation fails. My mind grows dark and am an addict who’s drug has been taken away from him. I have no work at the moment and don’t know how to occupy my mind without it. I could go out and party but I have grown weary of this kind of feeble entertainment. I suppose I will just throw a couple of beers at the problem and get back to it tomorrow. All I want to do is to keep working until I level up and am able to be location independent without having to rely on somebody else like i’m doing now.
An article I have opened from last night supplies me with the reading I need. And I remember again to trust that everything will be ok
I see something deeply sad when I look at all of the people on vacation, wandering around with their families… Maybe it’s something about the ephemeral nature of it all. The escape from every day life where you go to some novel place and walk around for a little while, or maybe even rent a bike for the day and ride around and try to fool yourself into feeling like you’re truly living this life. All the while, attempting to become more connected to your loved ones. You can see the isolation within most of these groups, quiet sitting at the restaurants, kids looking down at their phones, looking around in the hopes that something excited might happen to them at any moment. Most of the time they don’t even seem to speak to each other. But just walk around, maybe stopping by a place where some exotic animals are kept or walk around a mall and buy a bunch of things that they never needed in the first place to remind them of a time when they were doing something they deemed to be out of the ordinary. Throw that shit on your bookshelf so you can look back at it in 10 years and nostalgically break the silence at the dinner table and say, “remember that time we went to Thailand and that man almost hit us with his truck?” You can all laugh and feel connected at that moment. The illusion of liveliness. Never living within the actual moment, always reminiscing upon times past when you were reminiscing on times before that. Stuck within the spinning hamster wheel of conscious reality.
Maybe I’m just projecting some deep inner sadness of my own, who really knows anyways?