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The wind blows hard at my back again and whispers “persevere”. I want to stop this journey. I want to hide away until I rot into the earth. Though, I know this is an impossibility. I was meant for so much more. Still, days and weeks go by and I find myself back within this place, seeking comfort from solace. Torturous thoughts meander within my mind. It would be so much easier to hide within the distractions of the world. Sometimes I feel so much of the sorrow that I become lost within it. I stay in this place because there is some kind of comfort within all of it, and eventually it becomes overwhelming so I hide away and sleep through a day. Cigarette smoke enhances the feeling and there is something so true and alive about this dark place I am in. I know I can pull myself out if I need to, by moving my body, going for a run or a bike ride or playing some basketball. But for now, it is Sunday and I think I will ride my motorbike around, find someone to bum a cigarette off of, maybe a sweet snack to distract myself with and reflect upon the¬†weeks and months ahead.

In these moments when I want to give up. I think to myself about future Fuyah, the me that lives in the moment 1 year from now, 5 years form now, 10 years from now. I owe it to future me to break this cycle of despair and grant myself the freedom i’ve dreamed of for so long. Whenever I break free of one pair of shackles, it seems they are just replaced with another pair of a different form. When will the freedom I so desire become a reality? I know that I want it more then anything i’ve ever wanted and I will keep fighting through the trenches even though some days its so damned hard to find the motivation. I think about that future me and I know that I owe it to him. I owe it to myself. I will struggle through the difficult times and if I fail, well… at least I will have known that I have tried my best. At lest I will know that I gave it my all and I can be ok with that. The alternative lifestyle isn’t horrible. A part of me desires the stability of living within a cool city in the states. To be back home, to find myself a nice girl to spend my time with and not have to worry and stress about all of the things that come with trying to make it on your own. For now, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other…

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